Then to Now and still the Same

So, I still have this lame problem. Things go on and on and still I do the same thing and get the same results its weird right. A good friend of mine has dubbed this a practice of insanity, its insane to do the same thing over and over again and not expect the same results. I really got to quit doing that. The weekend was great, I went home, met family and friends, it was great. Relaxing even. But Saturday, I was freaking out again. I was so sad, I couldn't sleep. I was tired, but I just couldn't sleep. I thought everything, and I have this stupid thing, I am pretty sure is satan, where I imagine the worst case scenario possible. For real, like we will run out of money i will have to drop out of school my parents wont be able to retire, my car will brake, I suck at everything, and so and on and so.

For real though, I do this all the time. Its soooooooooooo lame. I really want to stop. The worry gets in the way of everything, I cant do schoolwork, (and thats a big stressor) and God gets pushed farther and farther away. its so lame. I feel bad too. My head hurts, I cant focus, Im sad, depressed, lonenly.

I reall dont understand. God has filled me with a lot of things and done great things in my life...so why am I worried about gas money? Why even though I am much lamer that the sparrow do I worry about what I'm going to eat. Why when Lillies in the field are dressed finer than King Solemen in all his splender, do I worry about money for clothes, food, gas. its sooo dumb. and frustrating

Well anyway, I want to do cool things and be a good person. I am trying to start a new Sunday night chapel service at college to regain Christian Communitty, I am working on a big project dealing with Cutting (self-injury) and am going to be able to tell lots of people about it. I love my fiance a lot and planning for the wedding is actually kinda fun. I love my friends and its always great to spend time with them, I want a job, but cant find one (for real, I need a JOB!!!), I have recently been inspired to write again( I may post some of my new story later), I want to do lots of things, but worry is in the way. Worrryyyyyy (agry fist)