you get what you need

I'm starring at my laptop again contemplaiting.

Contomplaiting what you say? Well many a thing infact. All of a sudden out a nowhere a thought has hit me. That thought was simply - "DO STUFF".

Sounds pretty simply right, do stuff. What kind of stuff, well any kind of course. I am a guy on many ideas but little follow through. Its just the way I am. But for real though, why not do things.

Since late August, when school started I have had this wierd notion. That since I have been engaged my "real" life started. I needed a good career path, financial inedpendance, and a solid plan for future. now take a second. Thats the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Where excactly in the bible does it say anything about that.

Now, I am not saying like a drop everything head to the nearest jungle and preach. For some that is there calling. For me not so much, but I would all in though.

What I am saying, it do something. I enjoy having fun. I really need to have it more often. I like to sing, to play music, to laugh, to write, to help people, to talk, play sports, talk about Jesus, do things like that.

Ok, so for real. Here is my hiphopethis (thats hypothesis just in case). I

1. Have a understable debt due to college
2. and in college have more to go but am on track
3. will getting married May 30th (woohoo)
4. Have a car that is literally falling apart
5. Have no job (not for lack of effort)
6. Have large amounts of stress that cause me physical and pschological problems
7. Will be fine no matter what, cause Jesus loves me

Lets focus on number 7. So if I am in school, why not try to start a career in comedy (im thinking about it). Why not submitt written material for publication (working on it). Why not release a Christmas album (but for real though, I have always wanted too). Why not talk to people about Jesus (its good stuff). Why not enjoy life.

It my previous blog, I talked about trails being joy. Thats still a tough one to swallow. but How about life being a joy. Taking God with me everywhere I go. If you read this, please remind me to stop being lame, and to DO STUFF.

Thanks, Godbless and Goodnight

Someone Stand Up: Cutting Part 2

Well here is the update so far. As you can see from the last blog, There has been a lot of other things distracting me from my schoolwork, but my group and I still make progress. through our research we have found a major problem. So few people know anything about it, and THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO FOR HELP! I mean come on. Right now I am in Grand Rapids and there is no physical location to go get help or information. There are a few services, and basically any Psychologist can give treatment. But come on, there is not one place that specializes in it, there is no place to go get information, there is practically no public awareness. Its very sad. We are working on a few things, like a church or two and at the school, where we will be giving our presentation to the public. But for most part, this issue is rarely talked about. Its swept under the carpet.

Well that was my little angered rant. I may be a little harsh, but I am rather upset. Its makes me so sad, that when people need someone to talk to, so many turn away. Its ok, you will be alright, things are going to work out, you dont need to hurt yourself, God loves you...I love you. Man if we could only get that message out there.

Well if you are feeling moved checked out www.twloha.com good story good resource. If you have a friend who you think is cutting, just talked to them. You dont have to solve all thier problems, just be there if they need to talk. Let them know things will be ok, and that God is always there.

Thats all for now. If you do read this could you pleas say a prayer right now. A quick message out to God for those who need it to find help. Thank, and God bless

Then to Now and still the Same

So, I still have this lame problem. Things go on and on and still I do the same thing and get the same results its weird right. A good friend of mine has dubbed this a practice of insanity, its insane to do the same thing over and over again and not expect the same results. I really got to quit doing that. The weekend was great, I went home, met family and friends, it was great. Relaxing even. But Saturday, I was freaking out again. I was so sad, I couldn't sleep. I was tired, but I just couldn't sleep. I thought everything, and I have this stupid thing, I am pretty sure is satan, where I imagine the worst case scenario possible. For real, like we will run out of money i will have to drop out of school my parents wont be able to retire, my car will brake, I suck at everything, and so and on and so.

For real though, I do this all the time. Its soooooooooooo lame. I really want to stop. The worry gets in the way of everything, I cant do schoolwork, (and thats a big stressor) and God gets pushed farther and farther away. its so lame. I feel bad too. My head hurts, I cant focus, Im sad, depressed, lonenly.

I reall dont understand. God has filled me with a lot of things and done great things in my life...so why am I worried about gas money? Why even though I am much lamer that the sparrow do I worry about what I'm going to eat. Why when Lillies in the field are dressed finer than King Solemen in all his splender, do I worry about money for clothes, food, gas. its sooo dumb. and frustrating

Well anyway, I want to do cool things and be a good person. I am trying to start a new Sunday night chapel service at college to regain Christian Communitty, I am working on a big project dealing with Cutting (self-injury) and am going to be able to tell lots of people about it. I love my fiance a lot and planning for the wedding is actually kinda fun. I love my friends and its always great to spend time with them, I want a job, but cant find one (for real, I need a JOB!!!), I have recently been inspired to write again( I may post some of my new story later), I want to do lots of things, but worry is in the way. Worrryyyyyy (agry fist)

A line too Deep: Cutting Part 1

In class, we have opportunities to pursue certain topics, and present them to the class. My group of two other class workers is researching cutting. its really a tough topic to deal with. It is by far the number one thing that is "under the carpet". People don't like to talk about it. I has lots to do with mental health, and emotions. People don't want to admitt they have a problem. Parents don't want to think their kids have mental issues. But, really we all do. At least a little. The studies are sad. They show 14% of all teenagers in the US cut. But those are only from reported cases that are recorded at hospitals. So If a case of cutting (also called self-injury), is not reported form a hospital, it does not get counted for the national average. There are so many people who's problem never reaches a hospital. Good students, Bad students, athletes, mathletes, class presidents, there is no specific person who cuts, its everyone. Stress, unrelsolved conflict, inability to express emotion are major causes of cutting. People need someone to talk to, someone who cares about them, to know that they matter to someone. things are building, resources are being made, people care and are trying to help.

I wanted to start this, because over the rest of the schoolyear, I am going to keep track of this. Its for my benefit. Its deffinetly a tough topic, and I was hoping to keep a log of what I am learnign and what I am feeling. I have seen cutting in my personal life a few times, by friends and other people in my life. I deffinelty have a heart for all people, and feel that terrible that sometime we come to physically hurting ourselves because it seems like no one loves us. Well I love you, and better than that so does God. He loves with a pefect Love, that is always there and never fails. Now thats good stuff

Passion

Part of reclaiming my life, is about passion. I had buried my passionate under lots of things, that do not matter. Money, Grades, other peoples opinions of me. Not important. I am hoping God drops the bomb on me and puts me in a situation to be able to do my passion even if it causes me trials.

Like paul says about trials. Trails = Great joy. Yikes...Great joy. thats a tough one. Its hard to see that trails make you stronger, you always feel so week. Well now I know that things will be better

Crazy man...Crazy

So yeah. I have been learning alot about letting go, and giving up control. And it has been working out alright. I have been overstressing and severely overworking myself regarding schoolwork. I got my tests back and so far, I am doing good. But now I am nervous cause I want to keep it up.

My birth mom came for the weekend and it was great. I really like spending time with her. Its pretty cool, how she understands a lot about me. And I am learning lots about things I didnt know before. She met a lot of my friends, and we hung out doing a lot of cooking and stuff. The ravens dropped by and they got to hang out for a while too. it was great. We for real had like 14 people at our apartment at once, it was crazy. And lots of fun.

I was a bum today and it was great. I lounged around and did a bunch of research good times. Well all I can say is. I love juice

The last few days have been rough. Real rough. I'm dealing with letting go. Something everyone can relate with. I made a reach out to friends and have lots of people praying for me. I gatta tell ya its a great feeling.

So, a question. Why is it so hard to remember who exactly is watching over us every moment of existence? I mean for real, the creator of the entire universe stays right next to us all the time. All the time. Things can't go wrong, it's not possible.

Earlier this summer I learned a crazy lesson. Even in disobeying God, I was doing what he wanted. There was someone I worked with and God said, hey go talk to that person. Well, I didnt. Lame reasons I was tired in was a really busy day, I didint make it a priority. Well two days later I talked to that person and found out that was all God's plan. They told me "yeah, thats right. If you would have talked to me two days ago I would have said nothings wrong, but today there is something". It was crazy. My friends had a friend back home who really needed some prayer, so we prayed. It was great stuff.

Well, My head is still confused (and yes most certainly in a bottle). So I am still trying to let go. To understand no matter what I cant control things. If my car breaks it breaks. If I study for hours on a test and get a B not and A like I wanted. I need to move on.

In conclusion (yeah I dont know just wanted to say that). I am going to do my best to give up

Remember were all in this together I'm pulling for ya, keep your stick on the ice.

I sit here beside the rain after three days of doubt

its taken me far to long to understand my secrets been let out

Of imperfection, mental correction and the dire need to shout

Seeing my face look back in the puddles I wonder what made me in the first place muddle whit the Begining and the end and while I've heard youtube extent that Jesus is my friend, it comes back time and time again and

this time is when I realize all the lies that have passed forth in front of my eyes to try to super size the aspect of my control

But now I understand why commanlity=man and man you should have seen the light

Its this time and this ten lined rhyme who's really right

Mind bottling

Yes, Mind bottling ---- Where life gets so crazy your mind is trapped, like in a bottle. These days the confusions of combination of corresponding concerns seem to pile up in a catastrophic conclusion. Like I said Mind bottling

Stress and pressure of school and money and life and everything just build and build. and its in this time I know that I need God the most, but its the hardest to hear him though unpaid bills, upcoming tests. and ringing phones.

And in the confusion, I forget. I forget that every step I take God is walking beside me, that there is the creator of well everything right by my side. That the one who named everystar, made the world turn, made me, is always there.

My mind is in a bottle and God has the opener.

ka-chick

The Begining

Here begins the creation of my mind. The thoughts and things that flow freely through my mind on many occasion. Some will be filled with thoughtful rhetoric, tantalizing theory, Poems, Songs, Rants, and just plain gibberish, true Jaberwocky. So sit back, creep your eyes over all the intricacies of illusion